I remember the first time someone set a boundary with me. I was goofing around and said something, which to me was to tease them, and he told me, right there and then, not to say that again. My initial reaction was, “Oh? I thought we were playing,” and then later he told me why it was important that I didn’t repeat that.
Let me tell you, my respect for him shot. Through. The. Roof!
It was through that encounter that I started paying special attention to and respecting the boundaries that people have, whether they voiced them or not. Being with someone who proactively asked if they could call me an endearment, if they could text at a certain hour, or if they could even touch me, not only made me feel more secure but also rewired my mind to believe that YES, I do have control over how I am treated.
A wise person (whose name I forgot) once said: boundaries are not there to chase you away; they are there to bring you closer.
So, this article hopes to do just that: give you the tools and logs to help you begin building a hedge of boundaries around you, so that you can keep those you love close and the foxes at bay.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are not telling the next person what to do. They are not a list or template of how people ought to treat you. And they are certainly not a 123-step guide on how to keep you happy. Why? Because you cannot force or control how the next person chooses to behave.
Boundaries are certain parameters you put in place to protect yourself. These can be emotional, spiritual, physical, and even financial. They look like they are telling someone that their actions have consequences. It’s the if/then solution to something that hurts, triggers, or makes you uncomfortable. For example, a boundary can be: ‘if you speak to me in such a tone again, then I will break up with you’.
And, to make a boundary even qualify as one, you actually have to be prepared to stick to what you have stated. Which, in this case, would be you walking away from the relationship if they raise their voice at you again. You have no control over whether they will take a tone with you again. But you know what you will do if they overstep. Another example could be ‘if you don’t wash the dishes, then I will no longer cook’ or ‘if you take money from my purse, then I will report you to the police’.
So, essentially, boundaries are responses you will take to a situation based on what someone does to you or how someone treats you, especially after they have been made aware not to do something.
How to set and keep boundaries for yourself
Setting boundaries can seem as simple as saying you are no longer tolerating that close friend who gossips about others. But if you are someone who has struggled to even recognise boundaries in the past, let alone follow through with them, then your best shot would be to implement them slowly by following these few steps that therapist Steph Anya laid out:
1. Setting measurable boundaries: you can inform him or her that you do not feel comfortable talking about other people. If they continue to bring up what ‘the streets are saying’ then you can either change the topic abruptly. ‘How is your mom doing?’, ‘I saw you went out last night; where did you guys go?’, can be a fun way to pull someone’s attention and momentarily make them forget what they were talking about, then you can bring up something new to talk about. Next time, they will think twice before bringing up that person because you didn’t seem interested in it last time.
2. Make them realistic: it is not easy for you to suddenly change habits, nor is it easy to adapt new ones. That goes for the other person. So if you find that they are still overstepping your boundaries, then you can stop engaging with them altogether. This can look like saying that you do not feel comfortable talking about other people, and if they don’t take you seriously, then you can stop responding to their calls or text messages until they understand that such topics are off limits now.
3. Make sure they match the act. For example, if you have someone who always calls you at the end of the month, telling you all about their problems and asking you for money, then you can inform them that you can no longer help out financially. It doesn’t mean you will stop talking to them or help them with something else. Just giving them money is now off the table.
Otherwise, if you have a friend that never does their work and always comes to you for help, then you can let them know that you will only check their final work. That means that they have to complete it and then come to you so that you can look it over.
The good thing about boundaries is that they differ from person to person. Whilst you would never think of emptying your piggy bank to help out a friend buy diapers—for the fifth week in a row—you would withdraw your last cents to give to a friend to put a downpayment on their car. That’s because both relationships are different. One person consistently uses you for money; the other has never once broken your trust.
Psychologist and author Dr. Ramani Durvasula says that a constant disrespect of boundaries can lead to burnout. Thus, Durvasula encourages one to categorize people based on the history you have with them so that you are more mindful about the kinds of boundaries that each requires. Durvasula adds that you should not be quick to cut off or walk out on someone who has a bad habit of letting you down, but that you can just shut that door.
For example, if you have a friend who constantly flakes two hours before a date, you can stop making plans and instead video call. That way, you still maintain the relationship you have with them. You just don’t include them in your schedule and set aside time for them only to be left hanging. And if they insist on meeting up, then you tell them to come over to your place if they want to see you from now on.
The key takeaway here is that boundaries have to be things that you yourself are not guilty of. If you have a tendency to raise your voice at people, ask for money all the time, and cancel plans at the last minute, then you need to work on yourself first.
I love therapist Kati Morton’s hug-and-roll way of setting boundaries. It starts with a hug or showering them with love. For example, if you want to tell your mom that you would like to spend the holidays with your friend or boyfriend’s family, then you can start by saying “Hey mom, I like how you always arrange for the family to spend holidays together. They are always fun, and I love getting to see all my cousins.”
Then you roll with your alternative. “But this holiday, I would like to stay with my friend’s family. They planned a trip to the coast, and I am really excited about that.”
Morton says this is effective, but you can expect some pushback because, again, you cannot control how the other person will react.
Now, using the hug and roll method, see how you could enforce these for other people towards you:
- telling your siblings not to call you after 9p.m.
- telling your sister not to interrupt you when you’re talking.
- telling your cousins not to use your belongings or items without asking.
- telling your girl/boyfriend not to go through your phone or personal computer.
- telling your best friend not to bring up that ex or friend in the conversation.
- telling your roommate not to eat your food (especially if you live in shared accommodations).
The boundaries you set for yourself can look like:
- “I am not going to call them first. If they don’t reach out, then we just won’t talk again.”
- “I am only going to spend less than N$300 this weekend. If I happen to overspend, then I will cut from next week’s food budget.”
- “I need an hour to myself every morning or night to decompress. If I don’t recharge, then I will not be fully engaged with them.”
- “I am not going to respond to work emails on weekends. If someone keeps emailing me, then I will mark them as spam.”
- “I’m not going to answer relatives’ questions about my relationship at the party. If they keep asking, then I will come back home.”
Boundaries are important in order to protect and make relationships last. They come with an overbearing feeling of guilt, especially if you are new to it, such as feeling guilty about not helping someone when you always used to. And in some cases, boundaries lead to conflict and the heartache of having to walk away from someone because they continue to disrespect you.
But you have to remember that the bigger goal here is to put yourself first. And historically speaking, that has been frowned upon and deemed selfish, but if you don’t put yourself first, who will?
